Perception

I was told by my dad a couple of days back that I am flamboyant.

I had never thought of myself like such until my dad told me this. Earlier, I used to think being flamboyant meant being gay. This was before I learnt about homosexuality, and it's poor portrayal in the media. But that is neither here nor there. Then I learnt flamboyant, in fact, means to stand out, without seeming dour. Dressing, behaving, and carrying yourself a different way.

I would like to believe I stand out. No one should want to conform to another's expectations without living up to their own. I choose my own clothes, my hairstyle and my behaviour. If I joke, I do it with the objective of making another laugh. If I dress well, it is because I believe I dress well, not because another feels that. 

Is being flamboyant bad? Yes, and no. I am Indian, and am proud of being so. While growing up, most of my friends were English, but I had a couple of Indian friends as well. But I never truly looked or felt Indian. I am quite fair skinned, have wavy hair, and speak with an English accent. I am quite liberal with my views, and am an agnostic. This became very difficult for me when I eventually shifted to India, around 8 years ago. I was shunned, judged, and dealt with harshly. I was taken for granted. It didn't help me that I was short, and overweight.

It was at this point I decided I have to change. Others will not. So, I started to work out, eat well, read more, and dress better. Then I joined college (the Indian equivalent of High School).

I knew no one. It was a fresh start. People started to see the new me, not the one hidden in me. I was confident, sharp and happy. Then I learnt nothing changed.

I was still judged, but now for being the exact opposite. They felt I was trying to stand out. This came as a surprise to me. I always thought that if I was who I am, people would notice. But they didn't want to. They wanted to judge me on a different scale. Their scale.

So I stopped living for others. I live for me. I am answerable only to me and my immediate family. No one else. I am flamboyant. And why shouldn't I be? I worked hard to get here. I wanted to be better than I was. I'm not perfect. I hope I never am. That would be boring. If someone thinks I am boring, or too interesting, then who do you skew towards? As long as humans exist, so will their differing opinions. 

To all the other works-in-progress,

Sid A.