Perception

I was told by my dad a couple of days back that I am flamboyant.

I had never thought of myself like such until my dad told me this. Earlier, I used to think being flamboyant meant being gay. This was before I learnt about homosexuality, and it's poor portrayal in the media. But that is neither here nor there. Then I learnt flamboyant, in fact, means to stand out, without seeming dour. Dressing, behaving, and carrying yourself a different way.

I would like to believe I stand out. No one should want to conform to another's expectations without living up to their own. I choose my own clothes, my hairstyle and my behaviour. If I joke, I do it with the objective of making another laugh. If I dress well, it is because I believe I dress well, not because another feels that. 

Is being flamboyant bad? Yes, and no. I am Indian, and am proud of being so. While growing up, most of my friends were English, but I had a couple of Indian friends as well. But I never truly looked or felt Indian. I am quite fair skinned, have wavy hair, and speak with an English accent. I am quite liberal with my views, and am an agnostic. This became very difficult for me when I eventually shifted to India, around 8 years ago. I was shunned, judged, and dealt with harshly. I was taken for granted. It didn't help me that I was short, and overweight.

It was at this point I decided I have to change. Others will not. So, I started to work out, eat well, read more, and dress better. Then I joined college (the Indian equivalent of High School).

I knew no one. It was a fresh start. People started to see the new me, not the one hidden in me. I was confident, sharp and happy. Then I learnt nothing changed.

I was still judged, but now for being the exact opposite. They felt I was trying to stand out. This came as a surprise to me. I always thought that if I was who I am, people would notice. But they didn't want to. They wanted to judge me on a different scale. Their scale.

So I stopped living for others. I live for me. I am answerable only to me and my immediate family. No one else. I am flamboyant. And why shouldn't I be? I worked hard to get here. I wanted to be better than I was. I'm not perfect. I hope I never am. That would be boring. If someone thinks I am boring, or too interesting, then who do you skew towards? As long as humans exist, so will their differing opinions. 

To all the other works-in-progress,

Sid A.

Travelling Back

I recently came back to my home country.

Although I have travelled here a couple of times over the past few years, this time it is more permanent. I have mixed feelings about this, as I always viewed myself as a person who moved forward with life. If I suffered any disappointment, I always pushed forward; pushed harder.

But coming back here is a mixed emotion. The country in question is more suited towards my needs: a cultural hotspot, a port, a future. But is this my future? I always saw myself going somewhere new, somewhere where I set up myself and created a future. My dad did it before me, without anyone, and I know I can do the same. Coincidentally, I am the same age he was when he started travelling, and discovering himself.

I understand his concerns, obviously. "Why go so far?" "Why work that much harder?" But I always liked a challenge. When I am told I can not do something, I make it my point to achieve it to the best of my abilities, where pysically possible.

When people told me I was too young to live alone, I did it without any hassle. When people told me I can not run a business, I did. All before I was 20.

So why not this?  

I've started to try...

I've never written down my feelings before. It's a new feeling. I don't know whether anyone will ever read this, and it isn't even important.

I just finished my finals. It's been a week. After studying for months, and worrying for the days leading up, my finals got over even before it sunk in. I am sure I did my best. But that is not what worries me. It's what comes next.

I skipped two years of school. That means I am amongst the youngest graduates in the State. My parents say I have gained two years. The whole reason I chose commerce is that the possibilities are endless. I could start working at the bottom of the corporate hierarchy and work up; maybe study for an MBA eventually. Or I could dive in head first and get an MBA. I would rather not do the latter though.

Given a choice, I would like to do something that just shocks all those around me, you know? Not take the predictable route. While others were dating, going with friends, or just studying, I worked for my dad. I helped him set up a business at 16, and even managed for a while. And despite all my complaints, I enjoyed it.

But now I am done with that. I want to gain experience in different areas. These two years gained should allow me to explore all the opportunities available to me. Whether advertising, writing, or go back into corporate, I would like to know what I do means something to me.

The best part though, is that in the current economic climate, no one is hiring. Not in the least a guy younger that other candidates, who worked for their dad, and has more interests than fingers.

I know the next few years are going to be interesting. How could they not be? I don't know what happens next. Do you?

Sid A.

P.S. I didn't put a quote in this as originality is one of the few interesting things you hope to see in a blog. Quotes are someone else's thoughts.